Bad news: I’m closing this blog.
Good news: I have a tumblr account – http://proud2bestrong.tumblr.com – and I’m on Twitter and I have another blog… I guess this one just didn’t catch on for me. I wanted a place to record my reflections on teaching, but I think I’ll have to use a notebook for that. The internet is just too public for that, and could get me in trouble 
I’m not really one for New Year’s resolutions, but 2010 was sort of a mixed bag. There was a lot of good… like, A LOT of good, but the parts that were bad were REALLY bad. Like… really bad. But I always over-exaggerate the bad, and under-appreciate the good, and I think I need to step back and have a better perspective on things. My life is pretty awesome. It’s not perfect, yet, but I feel like I am on the path to where I want to be in the next ten years. I’m pretty lucky.
So, here’s to a positive outlook for 2011. No more whining. Count your blessings. Make the best of it. All that jazz…
Tonight I went into Shopper’s Drug Mart to cash in a lottery scratch ticket that my Mom had given me as an early Christmas gift.
“WINNER! WINNER!”
I won $20! Sweet!
“Can’t win ‘em all,” I joked dryly, as I pushed the box of Canesten over the counter. Turns out the antibiotics I’m taking for strep throat (which I picked up on my last day of school before the holidays, by the way) have killed a few too many bacteria, including all of the good ones.
She didn’t even laugh, she just asked for the additional $3.77 I owed her.
I thought it was kind of funny. You win some, you lose some, I guess…
a.k.a. my baby brother (though, at 19, I doubt I can still call you a baby):
You deserve better than this.
Ten years ago or so, I wrote you a similar letter (that I never actually sent) because I was afraid for your physical safety. I felt horribly guilty for having an escape route, while you were stuck in the cycle of abuse, at once a victim, an enabler, and occasionally (and, unintentionally) a perpetrator.
Now, I am no longer afraid for your physical safety. You are big enough to take care of yourself, and I know we can add “protector” to your list of roles in this cycle. I’m afraid for your future, or your lack thereof.
Please, go to college. If you won’t move out and away from this dead end town, at least go to college while you live here. Making $13.50 under the table sounds like a good idea for now, but you’re smarter than that. I know you think that you aren’t, but you are. I’m not saying go to university and get some useless undergraduate degree; go to college, or get into a trade, but please just aspire to more than working on an assembly line at the local car manufacturing plant. You know that you can move in with us, and go to college in our city, which is so much more than just a one-intersection town in the backwoods of nowhere.
I know that right now you see nothing wrong with smoking pot by yourself in your parents basement on a Monday night (like you are right now, shamefully hiding it whenever you hear me walk by the stairs, afraid that I’ll walk down and see you). But I know where you are going. You will end up just like him. You will find a girl, and not knowing how to truly love someone because you were never truly and and appropriately loved yourself, you will end up hurting her. And, you will probably hate yourself for it, but you won’t be able to stop yourself because that’s all that you know. And I don’t think that your past as a victim necessarily means you will become a perpetrator, but your unwillingness to even acknowledge that wrong has been done to you just goes to show that you don’t even recognize that there is a problem. You are headed down a very sad and lonely path, and the greatest shame of it all is that you have other options but you’re just too goddamn lazy to take them. And, she won’t let you. Your own mother would rather you stay here and rot with her in this house, all because she is too afraid to be alone and too selfish to admit she has a problem.
I won’t be back. I can’t do this anymore. I refuse to pretend that there is anything “OK” and “normal” about this. I don’t care what you think about me. She will yell at me: “You think you’re so much better than us, don’t you?” And for once, I will be honest. Yes, I do, because I am. I am so much better than this. I am so much better than cigarette stained holes-punched-in-them walls and piece of shit beds with the same blanket that I had when I was growing up. Don’t tell me that you don’t have any money. You have money for beer, and cigarettes, and crappy food that you buy in bulk whenever it’s on sale, and cheap Christmas presents that nobody wants. Have some self respect. I am better than this. I want more than this for myself, and I will not come back again to sit for hours wishing that I could leave. I have NOTHING in common with this place, this way of life, or with any of you.
The only reason I have stayed even remotely attached to any of this is because of you, and because of the years and years of guilt that I carry because I could escape what you never will. Because part of me still, to this day, believes that I can actually save you. I remember being a teenager and brainstorming ways that I could actually take you away from all of this; I wanted to save you so. badly. But I couldn’t, and I can’t, and the sooner I let that go, the better it will be for me. You have to save yourself. And I have to get over the fact that you never will, because this is your “normal”. You just don’t know any other way, and that’s a shame.
Because the world is so much more beautiful than this. You could be so much happier, and realize so much more of your own potential if you only opened your eyes and allowed yourself to dream bigger, and to want more.
I’m sorry, but I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me.
Love always,
Your big sister.
As stressful as teaching is, today was full of moments where I found myself thinking, “Oh yeah, that’s why I’m doing this.” I always wanted to be a teacher because I had idealistic dreams of “making a difference in the world” and, as cliche and cheesy as it is, I figured that if I could make a difference in just ONE student’s life, then that would be enough. I was fortunate enough to have some pretty amazing teachers in my life who really played a big role in shaping who I am, so I always wanted to pay that forward, so to speak.
Today was one of those days. It’s all about RELATIONSHIPS, to me. Connecting with students, being a role model, maybe even being that person who, when faced with a difficult decision, helps them make the right choice (either by directly giving advice, or just by them thinking of you).
A few things were awesome about today:
These are five pretty huge moments that make my heart SO happy, and make me SO grateful to be able to do the work that I do… and all in one day. Wow. I’ve been pretty stressed with the “curriculum” and all that, but at the end of the day NONE of that matters… what matters is the connection I made, the spark I lit…
I haven’t written much, because I feel like this blog lacked focus. And I don’t deal well with lacking focus. I sort of started this blog because I could sense that I was in a pretty important transitional time in my life, but then that’s as far as I went to define it. It was OK at first, but then it wasn’t enough to hook me in. My Twitter is for rowing stuff, my other blog is specifically for coaching stuff…. but this… *shrugs*
I wish that I had been more diligent at recording my reflections in my first year of teaching. These last few months have been trial by fire, and I wish I had kept better track. So, that’s what I’m going to use this blog for… to reflect, muse, question and challenge things that come out of my work with young people. Amusing anecdotes, pull-my-hair out frustrations, “I wish I had known that…” reflections… etc. And, I’m sure that other, more personal, musings will sneak their way in, since I don’t have a blog for that (:P) but it obviously wasn’t enough to have a blog JUST for that.
For example, today it hit me that my grade 10 class has somehow become my favourite. Thinking back to the beginning of the semester, when they were the most challenging and only made me feel bad about myself… I wish that I had a day-by-day record of how that change occurred.
Whatever. Today was awesome. I like that point when you’ve established respect, and even a little bit of fear and “I hate her, what a bitch!” but you can joke around and develop a “relationship” and actually LEARN from each other. Today someone muttered under their breath that something I said I’d do would be a “douche” move. I’m sure he didn’t think I’d hear him… so I said, “No, a douche move would be if you…” (did what I had been talking about). Everyone laughed, and he blushed. It seemed to get everyone’s attention. Appropriate? No. But in the context, is it important to get that relationship? Absolutely.
Don’t berate your students, but try not to be way on another level from them, either.
And, hang in there. If it feels like they are testing you, they probably are. Prove yourself, and they’ll come to your side eventually!
Is anyone else pathetic like me and watching this awards show?
They all sound HORRIBLE. Bon Jovie, Taylor Swift, Pink… they sound HORRIBLE.
Gross.
This is amazing. Check it out:
It sort of makes me wish I could be part of something that huge.
It’s no coincidence (to me) that this week’s episode of Glee comes hot on the heels of the recent bullying of (and suicide) of gay teenagers, or just before Anti-Bullying Week, which starts next week. Maybe it’s just because I’m a teacher that I’m in tune to these things, but if it wasn’t just a coincidence and it was done on purpose… well done, Glee. Well done.
Can I admit that tonight’s episode of Glee made me well up a few times? I’ve seen bullying. I’ve reported bullying, and I’ve ignored bullying (something I’m ashamed of). I’ve been bullied, plenty of times. Tonight’s episode had so much great things in it (yes, and some awesome renditions of songs). I think Glee is probably the only show on right now that is seriously dealing with what it is like to be a gay teenager in high school, where “That’s SO gay” is an acceptable, every day expression. I find that other shows still just make light of being gay, but it is great to see a mainstream and widely popular show actually exploring how lonely and painful that would be.
High school kids are mean. I loved the quote in tonight’s episode about how next to your parents, high school is the most scarring experience in your life – and some of us are stupid enough to go back to it every day for the REST of our lives as high school teachers.
High school sucks, sometimes. It reminds me of Charles Dickens, sort of… “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
I suppose that I’ve just never really understood bullying. What do you get out of making someone feel so badly about themselves? What do you gain by hurting someone else? Even better, why is it funny to hurt someone else? What about someone else’s pain counts as humour in the human psyche? It’s a very common technique in comedy films, for example – the sight gag.
I digress. Tonight’s Glee episode was fantastic.
My only regret is that I ignored Glee until this season. What was I thinking? That’s SO gay.
(Yup, I just rolled my eyes. Saying that doesn’t even make SENSE.)
Never, ever, underestimate the power of your words. A kind word, even just a smile, could make someone else smile, make their day, or even change their life. Similarly, even one unkind word (whether to the face or behind the back) or the cold shoulder could make someone cry, ruin their day, or even ruin their life. I’m not being dramatic; I’ve been through the experience of a friend commiting suicide. Trust me, you will spend a long, long time analyzing every one of your looks, your words, even your thoughts.
Smile. Pass it on.
Do you ever just not want to go to bed, because you know that you have so few hours of sleep ahead of you that you’re only going to wake up feeling like shit, so why even bother?
That’s how I feel right now.
They should probably do a documentary on first year teachers and show it at teacher’s college, instead of pumping us with sunshine about how amazing it is. First all all, good luck finding a job. When you do, be prepared to make enough money that you barely pass the poverty line. Then be prepared for November when midterm time comes around. September is overwhelming. October is stressful, but you can still laugh it off. It’s only the 4th (well, technically the 5th now) and already November is like being hit by a freight train.
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